A Trip to Utah, a midyear crisis, a Slice of Humble Pie and why Evey is wearing my flatscreen TV on her head....

I've got lots to catch up on here, and I am only letting myself write right now because I can't sleep, so I will have to write more about the following things later: Our 9th Anniversary, Mothers Day, Mamma Mia, and my Amber Dahle week. Oh, yes and the title trip to Utah, from which we just returned. It was a tiring kind of lovely fun. But, that will have to wait. For now, lets talk about me. I am venting here, so beware....

Yes, me (number one, oh my-me-mine..) I think I am having a crisis. Or it could just be hormones. Hard to tell sometimes. They are so closely interrelated. For me, the world falls apart completely about 1 day a month, and the next day I usually realize why (ladies, I think you'll understand this one.) Anyway, if the dang PMDD doesn't get me, then something else will. How about just life in general? Honestly, I really don't feel I have much of anything to complain about. When I look at my life objectively, I wonder why I am emotionally exhausted. (Nicole, I'm not complaining- see I'm trying to remain my good non-complaining self.) However, that doesn't mean that lately I haven't felt overburdened. I'm happily overburdened by helping family and friends. I'm happily overburdened by being a good listener to my peeps who need me. And, I'm happily overburdened with my children. Only, this week I can't stop crying. I can't get anything done. I'm starting to go to that dark place where ice cream answers my needs for fulfillment and excercise seems like a waste because I imagine that it won't do anything for me anyway. In my self-aware world, I know this is bad. Why am I at this point?

Firstly, my house is a mess. But, not the kind of mess you can clean up. The kind of mess that lurks in closets and piles in corners and that builds up over a year of pregnancy and little babies and requires a full day of sorting room by room to get through. This, I cannot do. If you've ever come over to visit me and watched me continue to clean while I visit, perhaps you will wonder why I do this. Simply put: I like my house to "shine like the top of the Chrysler building." I do. Messiness creates dysfunction for me. So basically, I am coming to the end of my rope after a year of creating piles that I now have no time to sort. Wish I was the relaxed type sometimes, but I realized a long time ago that it ain't gonna happen.

Secondly, I have two babies. TWO! BABIES!!! They refuse to sleep at the same time during the day. Gratefully, they both love to sleep at night, so if I could just get myself to sleep at a reasonable hour, I might not be a walking zombie from 7-10 am every morning. Needless to say, sometimes the sheer willpower that it takes to dress, feed, pack a diaperbag, put in carseats, load up the car, drive a mile to the store, unload the 45lb. stroller, unload the kiddos, mix a bottle while walking the aisle at Target, and successfully negotiate any store wears me out before I even can motivate myself to get out the door. However, the alternative I have been living of not really going anywhere I don't have to go has put me in a foul mood. I like people, you know? We already have one cat lady in the family (hee hee), I have to socialize to stay alive and I know I'm not doing enough.

Thirdly, Evelyn is wearing my flat screen tv on her head: I'll explain. You know how my year has gone: early babies, plumbing problems, a flooded house, out for new floors, random extra expenses just keep popping up. While each has been an inconvenience, we have been greatly blessed that none have been more than we could handle or afford. But, somewhere in my brain lurks the idea that I'd like to do more to pretty up and organize my house (this is in conjunction with all of the aforementioned cleaning I intend to do as well). This takes money I do not have the luxury of spending right now. Enter Evelyn's head. It is flat. Okay, not entirely flat, more like lopsidedly and slightly bulgy flat. Darn cute, but flat. So, despite my best efforts at trying to keep her from sleeping on her back, I have had to eat a giant slice of humble pie and go get my kid a head shaping helmet. I'll spare you the details on cost, because Stephanie Gibson would freak out :), but needless to say, my dream of using some extra money for a new computer or a flat screen tv has now been funneled into a very tiny orthopedic helmet. Sometimes, it's the little petty dreams dying that throw you off course, you know? For some reason, it is really bothering me. Funny how the little things throw a kink in the works. Anyway, I'm just venting a little. I'm sure I'll be fine....after I eat my ice cream!