And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted. 2Nephi 4:19
This scripture = me. For the last 2 years especially. I have had many trials and difficulties and many learning experiences. Some were to learn faith in God. Some, about how much faith to put in others, and most of all, I think, maybe He just wanted to see what I would do.
I'm not going to lie. It hasn't been pretty. I have desired to rejoice-- and my heart has been heavy and sad with my own faults and the trials of life: A couple of frienships on the brink of ending. A very stressful situation at home with the 3 babies. My potty mouth. (Yikes!) A child with a traumatic brain injury to round out the group.
But, guess what- I can actually say, that despite all of that, I know that He still loves me.
I guess, I don't want to delve too deeply, but when we were in the hospital with Matthew, I was very calm. Very calm. This, for me, is when I know God is in control. Calm+ Cool+ Collected= able to absorb the situation and take direction from the spirit. I didn't really feel fear. I just loved my little guy, and tried not to stress about things I couldn't control. And, part of the scripture above popped into my head..."Nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted." And I did trust. So I stayed calm. (sidenote: You should ask me sometime about how many people I know who have head injuries, or my neighbor, who just happened to work with special needs children for 30 years. It is not a coincidence that I know them and that they are in my life at this time. We have most definitely been looked out for in many ways.)
I may not always make the right decisions. In fact, I have a level of self-loathing that probably requires therapy. I am hard on myself. I expect better, and I always come up short. But, here's the thing, throughout all of the ups and downs I've experienced, even with the things I'm still working on, I just want to say, that I know that God is mindful of me. He has --without a doubt-- answered my prayers clearly, concisely, and perfectly on more than one occasion. When I go to Him, I know he hears me. The fact that I am a dunce and require a level of repetition that would make even my children look like good listeners, is well, unfortunate for me, but He's used to it.
As I've watched people in my life come and go from the gospel, struggle with their testimonies, and choose paths that I would not choose for them, I wonder, what is it that makes me stay? Some days, it would be easier not to have the eternal perspective, it allows for such joy, but also such sadness at opportunities lost, or unfulfilled expectations. Man, those unmet expectations, especially when it comes to the gospel--how other people should treat you, how they REALLY treat you, and how angry and sad it can make you-- well, that one gets me every time.
But, I stay. I stay because I guess that underneath it all, I know who I'm really dealing with. Other people are the sideshow-- not the main event. In the end, it comes down to me and Him. What is our relationship like? Why is it like that? What am I up to that needs to change? (and yes, I do know that other people are important and have influence--I'm just saying that I NOW CHOOSE TO CATEGORICALLY REJECT THE NOTION THAT ANYONE ELSE HAS CONTROL OVER MY TESTIMONY BESIDES MYSELF. This is my new motto:
For what if some did not believe? shall their unbelief make the faith of God without effect? Romans 3:3
In other words--your unbelief/bad behavior/whatever annoys me and causes me irritation by other people-- shall not make my faith without effect! I choose to not let it affect my faith.
I don't always like what I'm being shown about myself or life or human nature. Or, the part where I have to eat a slice of humble pie. Or the part where I experience suffering beyond what I think I can stand. But I choose to have faith. It may be small- even mustard seed like some days. And it may be stronger on some occaisions than others, but I think thats part of the process. And I stay, because, He hears me. And I know he hears and knows you too <3
Anyway-- discuss if you want. :)
3 comments:
Thanks for your insight. I needed that today. You are truly a wise woman!
Thanks Melissa, you know we only go through things to make us stronger, but I can't seem to see that while going through it. You are a great person!
What a great perspective! Thanks for sharing. What you said reminds me of something I learned recently which was that we have to understand that we are not in charge of the outcome He is. So all we are asked to do is put in the work and do our best and let his will be done. This was an epiphany that struck me from a story that was given in church. I guess the sooner we realize it, the better our life will be and the less hard on our self we will be. That is all that is asked of us. So take comfort in this fact that the outcome/our path is already determined for us because He knows us and he knows what we need.
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