This is how Annie looks 98% of the time. And how she always looks at me. I'm her mother, and her favorite person. As far as I'm concerned, she is the prettiest 5 month old on the planet :)

Reflecting upon the difference between this October and last October: how I felt about my life, my children, my ability to cope with another baby, my inability to make it through any day without a teary meltdown (that would be me, not the kids), I feel such a difference. Not that my personality, in essentials, has changed, but my own view of myself. You know, one of my favorite scriptures says, "the spirit speaks of things as they really were, as they really are, and as they really will be." I've reflected upon that many times as my perspective on myself is evolving. I generally see only deficiency. Lack. Falling short. Yet I have also felt this sense of powerlessness to change. Its all been about inability not ability, despair instead of hope. A pattern that it is most easy to fall into. I have realized many things about myself in the past year, even in the last month. I'm seeing some of this truth, well, most of this truth through the lens of the Spirit. How things really are. Some of it, frankly, is not so fun to analyze. It forces me to acknowledge my weaknesses, my proclivities towards certain behaviors, my inability to overcome some of my fatal flaws. I reflect on lost opportunities and lost happiness. I'm sad for some of the choices I made in response to adversity.

In contrast with how I felt last fall, though, I feel growth, I feel hope, I feel the promise of a new day. I feel a yearning for the things of the Spirit. Truthfully, last year I felt, physically and mentally drained, I felt a keen sense of loss, I felt the burden of the choices of others, I spiraled into a very dark depression. The worst one yet I'd say. I cried so much in this last year that I started worrying that all the crying would affect the baby. You know, you worry about everything, even if your mood will affect the little fetus. But, here is this smiley, wonderful, happy child pictured above. Happy. Delightful. Truly, this amazing beautiful child coming into my life the way she did has been the key to unlocking another level. A necessary one, a trying one, but ultimately (I hope) a good one. I like to think of it as the "kinder, gentler" Melissa. Maybe Melissa 2.0? I think the scriptures say that "of necessity they feel after me." So true. Its so easy to be self-sufficient when everything is fine, and just need help during the "adversity" moments in our lives. I wonder why I didn't catch on sooner that if I was already close to the Spirit, I wouldn't have to "feel after" it like something I "just remembered." Like a forgotten appointment or like "Oh wait! I just remembered, maybe somebody up there could help me."
Elder Scott's talk at conference mentioned following the promptings of the Spirit. Following an initial prompting to another, and another, to teachable moments of great value to us as individuals. I feel that is what I am seeking. Allowing my inabilities and flaws to turn me truly to Christ and opening myself up to new spiritual understanding. I love that. The ability to change is almost tangible to me.

Different stages in our lives open us up to new possibilities. Without really comprehending it, I've transitioned into a whole other stage of life in the last 2 years. I was never good at accepting my role as a mother when I just had Matthew to handle, and now, with 3 babies, it just isn't possible to ignore who I need to be anymore. Of necessity I must change my thinking, my attitudes towards being at home, my attitudes towards my own abilities. Not that they are so bad in the first place, but you-know-who is so good at making you feel like its all pointless, and that your daily contributions are worthless, that I get suckered in to regularly feeling like I'm missing out on some mysterious "something." I'm not sure if I have fought it consciously, but below the surface there has definitely been resistance to enjoyment of where I am in life. Who I really am right now. I recently have just felt this pull to accept my role as a mother and embrace the whole of it. To see myself, and my family through the lens of the Spirit, so that I can take care of who we are right now, and invest in who we really can be.

Anyway...just sending a few thoughts out to the universe there, feel free to respond here or via e-mail to tell me what you think about life transitions, motherhood, conference, how ridiculously cute my baby is or whatever!